Nou moet ons vorentoe.

Now we have to move forward.

Please scroll down for translation in English by Mom and Google translate

Ons het so amper ons moeilike herinneringe van die verlede, voor ons mekaar verstaan het, dood gevee en met nuwe mooi herinneringe toe geverf, maar toe kom ons weer voor die donker herinneringe te staan. Dit was wat gebeur het toe my mooi tutor, “Daisy” (‘n Skuilnaam), wie my getutor het voor ek S2C ( Spelling to Communicate (Overview of Spelling to Communicate https://i-asc.org/families/videos/ )) geleer het, weer in ons lewe gekom het.

Daisy is ‘n mens met ‘n mooi hart, met baie liefde vir my tipe mense, maar sy het ook nie van beter geweet nie. Sy het baie hard probeer, oor sy my so bitter graag wou help. Dit is swaar om daaroor te praat, want dit was vir my baie sleg om te sien hoe graag sy  my wou help, maar oor sy my nie mooi kon verstaan nie, het ons mekaar vreeslik vies gemaak.

Sy het hard probeer om met my te kommunikeer, maar ons kon dit nooit behoorlik reg kry nie.

Ek het hard probeer om met haar te kommunikeer, maar ek het dit ook nie reg gekry nie.

Hoe harder ons probeer het om bymekaar uit te kom, hoe groter was ons frustrasie met ons mislukkings.

As ons toe geweet het wat ons nou weet, sou dinge so anders gewees het, maar ons het nie die kennis gehad wat ons nou het nie. Ons het al twee ons koppe gebreek om dit reg te kry  om mekaar se wêrelde by mekaar uit te kry, maar die sleutel tot ons afsonderlike kettings was nie daar vir ons om ons uit te laat kom nie. Dit was eers nadat ons met S2C my tronk oop gesluit het, dat my en haar harte oor ons mislukkings, vroeër, kon heel raak.

Dit is so mooi hoe ons paadjies nou weer kruis en ons uit eindelik die kans kry om vir mekaar om verskoning te vra en te vergewe. Dit is so  goed om vir mekaar te kan sê dat ons jammer is en mekaar kan vergewe omdat ons mekaar seer gemaak het al was ons so lief vir mekaar.

Ek het hierdie paadjie al met my mamma ook geloop. Ons moes ook vrede maak met ons paadjie van seer kry en mislukkings toe ons mekaar nie verstaan het nie. Dit was vir ons albei swaar om die verlede agter ons te sit en aan te gaan, maar dit is al manier om vorentoe te gaan.

My sielkundige, Alida, het eendag vertel van hoe sy  goed in haar rugsak moes uitgooi anders  kon sy nie die baie hoe bult uitgekom het nie toe sy die Karoo Camino gestap het. Dit was vir my so ‘n mooi storie dat ek dadelik gedink het dat ek die Karoo Camino sal wil stap

Om my mamma te vertel van hoe my hart gebreek het as ek gesien  het hoe hard sy probeer om my te help en dit nie gewerk het nie, omdat sy ook nie geweet het nie en ek haar nie kon vertrel dat my kop mooi werk, maar my lyf dit nie kan wys nie, was ‘n baie belangrike ding om te doen. Sy het haarself verwyt oor goed wat sy gedoen het en gesê  het, omdat sy my nie verstaan het nie. Dit was vir my ook nodig om vir haar jammer te se, want ek het myself ook verwyt oor goed wat ek gedoen het. Ons is nou soveel beter toegerus vir ons pad vorentoe, want ons rugsakke vol verwyte en skuldgevoelens is nou lëer as voorheen.

Ek en Daisy moes ook ons skuldgevoelens en verwyte uitgooi en mekaar vergewe. Nou is ons twee se rugsakke ook reg vir die pad vorentoe. Ons kan nou saam vorentoe gaan of ons kan nou elkeen sy eie pad vorentoe vat  om ander kinders soos ek te help. Al wat ek nog wil doen, is om vir haar die sleutel tot ander kinders, soos ek, se tronke te gee sodat sy hulle kan help. Dit beteken dat ek moet sorg dat sy die regte opleiding kry om Spelling to Communicate met ander kinders te doen. Ek kan sien hoe bitter graag sy dit wil doen, maar ons sal vir haar die geld wat nodig is om dit te doen, moet kry. Dit is my doelwit om dit te doen. 

Ons is lief vir mekaar, het geleer, het skuldig gevoel, het mekaar vergewe en nou is ons nou oppad vorentoe.

Om ons pad te deel, is nie altyd so maklik nie. Ons vertel van dinge wat nie so maklik is om oor te praat nie. Tog is dit nodig om dit te doen sodat ons die bulte wat ons nog moet oor, sonder onnodige swaar rugsakke kan oor. Ek is net so dankbaar dat ons  tot hier kon kom.  Sonder S2C en my God, sou dit nie moontlik wees nie.

Now we have to move forward.

We almost wiped out our difficult memories of the past, from before we understood each other, and painted over with new beautiful memories, but then we came face to face with the dark memories again. That was what happened when my beautiful tutor, “Daisy” (an alias), who had been my tutor before I learned S2C, came back into our lives.

Daisy is a person with a beautiful heart, with a lot of love for my type of people, but she also did not know any better. She tried very hard because she wanted so badly to help me. It’s hard to talk about it, because it was very bad for me to see how much she wanted to help me, but because she could not understand me well, we made each other terribly angry.

She tried hard to communicate with me, but we could never get it right.

I tried hard to communicate with her, but I also did not get it right.

The harder we tried to reach each other, the greater our frustration with our failures became.

If we then knew what we know now, things would have been so different, but we did not have the knowledge we have now. We both broke our heads to get it right, to get to each other’s worlds, but the key to our separate chains was not there for us to get out. It was only after we unlocked my jail with S2C (Spelling to Communicate (Overview of Spelling to Communicate https://i-asc.org/families/videos/ ) , that my and her broken hearts, about our failures earlier, could become whole.

It’s so beautiful how our paths now cross again and we finally get the chance to apologize and forgive each other. It’s so good to be able to tell each other that we are sorry and can forgive each other because we hurt each other even though we loved each other so much.

I have walked this path with my mom too. We also had to make peace with our path of getting hurt and failures when we did not understand each other. It was hard for both of us to put the past behind us and move on, but that’s the only way to moving forward.

My psychologist, Alida, told me one day about how she had to throw things out of her backpack otherwise she could not have come out the very high hill when she walked the Karoo Camino. It was such a beautiful story that I immediately thought I would also want to walk the Karoo Camino.

To tell my mom about how my heart broke when I saw how hard she was trying to help me and it did not work because she also did not know and I could not tell her that my head works fine, but my body can not show it, was a very important thing to do. She blamed herself for things she did and said because she did not understand me. It was also necessary for me to say sorry to her, because I also blamed myself for things I did. We are now so much better equipped for our way forward, because our backpacks full of blame and guilt are now emptier  than before.

Daisy and I also had to shed our guilt and self blame and forgive each other. Now our two backpacks are also ready for the road ahead. We can now move forward together or we can now each take our own path forward to help other children like me. All I still want to do is give her the key to other children’s prisons, like me, so she can help them. That means I have to make sure she gets the right training to do Spelling to Communicate with other kids. I can see how bitterly she wants to do it, but we’ll have to get her the money she needs to do it. It’s my goal to do so.

We love each other, have learned, felt guilty, forgiven each other and now we are on the way forward.

Sharing our path is not always so easy. We talk about things that are not so easy to talk about. Yet it is necessary to do so so that we can cross the hills we still have left without unnecessarily heavy backpacks. I’m just so grateful we were able to get this far. Without S2C and my God, this would not be possible.