My mind, my best ally

My mind is not disabled.

My body is not disabled.

My connection between my mind and my body is disabled.

I know this, but I sometimes struggle to accept it.

Because I sometimes struggle to accept it, I sometimes get scared.

I have struggled with my body for so many years without people knowing that I am not mentally or cognitively impaired. That left me in trouble, because those memories still haunt me when I struggle to do something simple with my body like eating my food. I have to use my mind to remind me that my body is not incapable of doing what I want it to do.

My body can do what I want it to do.

I have to remind myself over and over again.

When I am scared, or otherwise influenced by my emotions, I tend to forget this fact that my body is not disabled. I have all the body parts that normal people have. I just struggle to make them cooperate with my mind and make them do what I want them to do. When I allow myself to get frustrated or anxious because I cannot get something done, then I have to make a whole lot more effort to get something done. Even if I am happy or excited, I struggle more with my body.

I have to remind myself – My body is not disabled – and do it again and again and again.

This is my best way to overcome my anxiety when my body gets stuck or struggle to do something. I have to keep that in mind, otherwise I get so frustrated or stuck that I become really disabled. I have experienced those times of being disabled often in my life. When I feel like that, I really struggle to get myself together again.  It is so bad that only thinking about it now, makes me totally dysregulated.

I had to take a break from writing this post as all my logic disappeared when the memories of those dark days without communication descended on me for a moment and, the fear which comes with it, robbed me of my calmness and my ability to use my mind effectively. My brain shut down and I had a terrible meltdown.

A meltdown, for me, is not as mild and mellow as it sounds. My brain is not in control. My body is totally on its own mission. This is my worst nightmare come true, losing all my mind’s power to get my body to do what I want it to do. All I do during a meltdown is just try to get my body under control again. While my body is so out of control, my only emotion is fear, a terrible overwhelming fear of never being able to get my body back under the control of my mind again. At some stage I get so out of control that I am no longer somebody I want to have in my life, not even be that person myself. All that keeps me from not giving up on life, is that those meltdowns only happen once in a while at this stage.

A meltdown is a terrible experience, but afterwards a calm feeling descends on me again.

Before I had communication, I had meltdowns more often. Those meltdowns were for different reasons. Now I have so much less things causing me meltdowns.

I have so much more things to overcome still, but I have overcome so much since I can communicate.   

My mind is my best ally. I understand its power now better than ever before.