I am free (1)

Acceptance, the key out of my prison. PART 1 (OF 4)

This is a translation of the original blog written in Afrikaans.

EK IS VRY

Anxiety is no longer my prison.

Anxiety has always been my biggest enemy. He is no more.

My anxiety about my inability to show that I am a human being, with a brain and a heart, which functions properly, held me captive.

I was a slave to fear. Fear of going back to the time before I could communicate when no one understood me, and everyone thought I was just stupid and difficult. My fear of those dark days becoming my reality again drove me fiercely.

My prison is no longer a prison.

I will always have to fight the ghosts of my past who want to send me back to prison. Especially when my body lets me down.

I know how freedom feels. I won’t let anything, or anyone rob me of it.

My prison is no longer my prison.

Acceptance, the key out of my prison.

My body is different from most other people’s.

Even though I look like other people, my body functions differently. That’s how it is for me, for now and forever. My body isn’t going to suddenly just get right unless a miracle happens, or a miracle cure is discovered.

And for the first time, I can say that I’m okay with it.

I’m the way I am, and my heart is calm about it.

Even though I still get upset about my body’s shenanigans,

I’m still okay.

Even though my body’s inabilities causes that I learn hard but still do badly in my tests because I cannot spell fast enough on my letterboards, within the test time limits,

I’m still okay.

Even if my body makes me look ridiculous or do stupid stuff,

I’m still okay.

Even though I sometimes must stay home when others go out.

I’m still okay.

Even though I sometimes must decide to give up things I really wanted to do,

I’m still okay.

My acceptance of myself was an important step on this path to freedom.

I had to fight a lot with this. My life is not easy. I will always have to fight a battle to be heard and accepted. None of that has changed.

I’m also far from giving up the fight to let my voice, and others like me ‘s voices, be heard,

But my heart is calm about my past and my way forward.

My Aunt, Driekie, recently reminded me that my God is in charge with this song:

Father I Place Into Your Hands

Ingrid DuMosch
Words: Jenny Hewer (b. 1945) © 1975 Thankyou Music/Admin. by kingswaysongs.com, http://www.kingswaysongs.com
 
Father, I place into your hands
The things I cannot do,
Father, I place into your hands
The things that I’ve been through.
Father, I place into your hands
The way that I should go,
For I know I always can trust you
Father, we love to see your face,
We love to hear your voice.
Father, we love to sing your praise
And in your name rejoice.
Father, we love to walk with you
And in your presence rest,
For we know we always can trust you.
 
.
Father, I place into your hands
My friends and family.
Father, I place into your hands
The things that trouble me.
Father, I place into your hands
The person I would be,
For I know I always can trust you.
 
Father, I want to be with you
And do the things you do.
Father, I want to speak the words
That you are speaking too.
Father, I want to love the ones
That you will draw to you,
For I know that I am one with you.