I am free (4)

Acceptance, my key to freedom. CONTINUED (PART 4 of 4)

My acceptance of myself would not have been possible without:

6.         People, I cross paths with, who accept me for my brain and my personality. My body no longer stops me from connecting with other people.

There are two groups of people in my life. One group is the ones who know me from before I could communicate and then there is the group that have been getting to know me now, ever since my words can come out. These are 2 different groups of people who have played an important role in my path to accepting myself, for different reasons, with my flaws and all.

The first group is also divided into 2 subsections:

• The people who got to know me and wrote me off. We should not judge these people, because they had good reason to do so. Before my words could come out, I was angry and frustrated because I was struggling so much, my body was uncontrollable and they really couldn’t have helped to not like me. I understand this.
• The second group, under this section, are people who got to know me without words and saw me at my very worst, and yet kept believing in me, loved me despite what I did. These are just a handful of people, but each of them is like treasures that are incredibly precious to me. Your love means more to me than you will ever understand. Your love gave me hope in my darkest hours and made me keep trying even though my chances of ever escaping from my prison of fear and anxiety sometimes seemed very bad.

Your love for me is worth more to me than all the therapies I’ve ever done.

We need it so much to not feel rejected while we are struggling with our difficult bodies. Your love helped me not to give up, when giving up seemed to me to be my only way out. Thanks, is all I can say. Your love has saved me.

The second group is the people who get to know me with my words and all. You are also very important.

You make me forget the dark ghosts of the past. You make me hope for a beautiful future with friends and people who respect me for my brain and my heart. To have hope of being able to show people that under this messy body I have a smart brain and a good heart, is something I haven’t had for a very long time.

That doesn’t mean I expect everyone to love me. Not everyone likes my humor or things I love. It’s not necessary for everyone to love me. The very fact that I can show the world who I am, with my words, is enough for me. Being able to converse with strangers is something that is difficult for many people. For me, it was impossible to talk to anyone, for my whole life, until a few years back. If I get the chance to talk to strangers now, I’m like a kid getting a gift. I can see people struggling to make sense when they hear my mommy’s voice, but it’s me talking, my words. At first we struggle to make the person accept that these are my words even though they hear my mother’s voice, but when they have made the connection, people enjoy talking with me.

Being able to talk to other people, is an incredible privilege for me and something I never thought would ever be possible. This is the most enjoyable for me. When people accept me in such a way that they later strike up a conversation with me on their own, or include me in their conversation, this is the ultimate pleasure for me. Then I know the person really sees me for who I am and has respect for my heart and brain.

People think at first, it’s a funny thing to talk to me, but when they get to know me, they later find out that I’m also just a human being who also likes to talk about ordinary things. That’s when my heart knows that person sees my whole being. My whole life, not just my funniness. There aren’t many people who have arrived here yet, but those who is have, is worth more than 100 others who are still on their way.

Thank you to each of you. You make me feel like a complete human being with a place in the world.

7.         Time to heal from old wounds

Getting to where I am now is a process.

It’s been a long process. There were a lot of ups and downs and there will certainly still be plenty. There were many tears and even wounds and blood. There was joy and little glimmers of hope. There was despair and hopelessness.

There was enough good to keep us going and enough bad that sometimes we had to stop and take a breath before we could move on. There were days when nothing worked, days that went well and days when things just got all messed up. There were days when my heart was broken into thousands of pieces, and days that I broke the hearts of others.

Getting to where I am today, was a lot of hard work, harder than most people would have been able to do. My mother stood by me, even though it wasn’t easy for her. Without her, I would never have been able to do it.

Time has been merciful to us. We can now look back and say that we took the time we got and healed. We worked, and sowed, and now we can harvest.

We can count our blessings because we see the light.

We are calm, the best place to be.

I have peace in my heart, about my past and my future.